I spent the morning in tears and tingling with excitement.

My friend Kathryn sent me a text that said, “I had a dream about you the other night.” She is one of my close friends (I’ve known her since high school and we have a group dinner together monthly), but I’ve never confided in her about our struggles to get pregnant over the last 5+ years. In the last few weeks, I’d resolved that I wanted to tell her about our journey, the next we got a chance to be alone. She’s the most spiritual/religious person I know, but it’s not in a judgmental or heavy way. I knew she’d be a good listener with compassionate support and caring for me and my tender story.

Anyway, I texted back and said, “What was the dream? Happy, I hope!” A few minutes later the phone rings. It’s her. This is what she tells me:

“I dreamt that you, me, and Brooke (our pregnant friend who incidentally ended up giving birth to her first child last night) are together in front of a big closed gate or doorway, and we are about to pass through it. And I’m looking back and at you and Brooke, who asks me, ‘So are you and your husband going to try for another baby soon?” And I reply, “Yes, I think we will soon, but we don’t know exactly when…

“Then all of a sudden you pipe up, B, and say, ‘And hopefully for us in the next year or two!’ And I looked at you and you just were bursting with excitement and pure joy, and Brooke had a huge smile on her face because she is so happy for you. And behind you, there were big colorful lights, bursting almost like fireworks, and it was like a huge celebration and, in that moment, the happiness focus was solely on you.”

As Kathryn was innocently describing her dream to me, I started to cry. I couldn’t believe that she had such a vivid, emotional dream about me and the topic of baby. Since Brooke was practically in labor and Kathryn herself is about to try and conceive again soon, it surprised her (and me, too) that the baby joy would be surrounding me, especially since she had no idea that I want a baby so badly.

I told her, “Oh my gosh… I’m crying. I can’t believe you had that dream because I’ve been wanting to tell you something…” and I told her about our journey and about how we are so hopeful right now because we have a fresh start with a new naturopathic doctor and everything just feels right about the timing and our position right now. I feel closer than ever to motherhood and the baby that is coming and I feel that Kathryn’s dream (and her telling me about it) is proof of what I’ve been sensing.

An hour or so later, I called my (hypno)therapist/wellness coach and told her the story of Kathryn’s dream and she said, “Oh, B… I have chills all over my body. This is what you and I have been asking our inner beings for… a sign that you are on the right path. And it is very common for Source (i.e. the Universe) to send a sign or confirmation to a secondary person who is more open to receiving it at this time.”

I believe her. This resonates with me. I feel like this morning was magical and important. I felt connected to people who are rooting for us, and I even feel tangibly connected to the Universe. 2008 has been the best year of our lives so far, for many reasons, and I feel there is another small, cuddly blessing on its way soon.

xoxo
B

I’ve been a devoted and passionate Madonna fan for over 20 years. I love her, I don’t judge her, I’m with her for the long haul… the whole journey of her creative life.

Thus, I feel slightly guilty about the fact that I pre-orderd her traitorous brother’s tell-all book and that I am nearly counting the hours until it arrives tomorrow. I know that a truly virtuous Madonna devotee would not betray her and give money to “the enemy,” but I can’t help it! I want the JUICE! And from her brother’s interview on GMA this morning, I have to say he seems credible and I can see the things he says being true. I think it’s bizarre if Guy Ritchie is homophobic, but I guess it’s possible and maybe it explains a few things.

And, for the record, I absolutely do not believe she’s having an affair with A-Rod. I just don’t.

♥B

Little known fact about me = Meet the Press is pretty much my favorite show in the world. When I get home from a vacation and my Tivo is full of a wide variety of good shows for me to watch… my first choice is always Meet the Press.

You should see me on Sunday mornings when I wake up and I’m almost giddy with joy, anticipating the pundit-y goodness awaiting me on my Tivo. I spend a good minute ranting and raving about how good it’s gonna be and how I wish it was longer than just one hour. (Ask my husband - I’m not exaggerating.) It’s totally dorky, I know. But I have always loved presidential elections and this cycle is the grand extreme Super Bowl of all elections ever. SO GOOD! And Meet the Press has been the show that’s kept me most informed on the smartest analysis out there.

I’m so pissed that Tim Russert died today! It’s very sad for his family and I can’t imagine who is going to take over my favorite show now! Dropping dead suddenly is like the worst, most scary thing I’ve ever heard of… unless you’re in your 80s or something. I guess then it’s OK. compared to your other options (long, drawn-out illness, Alzheimers, etc.).

But more than that, how fucking UNFAIR is that to die before you get to see who wins the election in November!?!?! My main goal in life right now is to survive until November 2, 2008. I don’t care what happens after that (TOTALLY kidding), but I gotta see how this turns out!!! On top of the election, I also need to make it to November 2nd because I am seeing Madonna in concert that night. Double incentive to keep on breathing!

In all seriousness… RIP Tim Russert.

♥B

I realized today that, when I turned 34 last week, I have now lived 2/3 of the life span that my mother was given. Exactly. She was 51 when she died. I’m not sure what this means except that we all have an unknown and finite number of days to live. I’m certain my mother didn’t know she was 66.6% done with her life when she was my age. She’d be 62 this September. I wonder what she’d look like. I miss her terribly.

***

I am proud of myself because, well… yesterday my husband and I met with a fertility doctor, a high-tech guy who wants to do IVF. It’s been over 2 years since we’ve immersed ourselves in this world, this language, these efforts.

The doctor was nice enough, but if I’m being honest, his office was in a state of dreary disorganization. His staff was not overly friendly, nor did they seem very competent at their office duties. The doctor ran an hour late. He was very attentive and smart, though. It’d cost nearly $20,ooo to do IVF with him. Of course, there’s no guarantee that it’d work the first time.

On our way home, I began to feel overwhelmed by my longings and my confusion, my desire to find a person who can snap his fingers and end this whole 5+ year ordeal.

After the meeting, my mind was in a state of near-panic whereas, before the meeting, I had been so vigilant in keeping my thoughts positive and my emotions elevated. I started to berate myself for letting one meeting, one external circumstance, threaten to derail the happiness I had worked to achieve.

(I believe that I must be attentive to my thoughts, continuously making sure they are encouraging me to be brave and open to the future. It’s not exhausting. It’s empowering.)

After the meeting, my husband D wasn’t home for a few hours. I needed him. The only thought that gave me any comfort was, “I will let him decide what we should do. I trust him. I will let him decide. He knows what is best for us.”

(I don’t know how anyone makes it through life without a person like him by her side. I am the luckiest bunny in the world. All I need is him, really…)

By the end of the night, I felt like I had gained perspective on whether or not we should go with this doctor. I calmed myself down with the knowledge that we can always meet with other doctors. Nothing is set in stone yet. I must remain open and courageous, trusting my own intuition and feeling lucky to have options.

My favorite bit of advice to sleep on it. You rarely have to decide something right away, and you will always have a more measured, true perspective in the morning.

♥B

I find it bizarre and surprising that, in the past week or so, I’ve had two friends ask me what “LMAO” means.

I feel that one would have to go out of her way not to have heard that acronym before.

WTF?

Somehow our New Year’s Eve Party became a Britney-fest the other night… which seems like an uber-appropriate way to end 2007. Our Britney devotion took the form of multiple playings of “Gimme More” and my sister-in-law L reenacting the time Britney stumbled and almost dropped Sean Preston. L used my 18-month-old nephew Jethro. Don’t worry - no babies were hurt in this champagne-fueled photo stunt!

***

I haven’t been meditating or writing or counting things to be grateful for and, somehow, it’s made me feel normal for a week or two… like I can be a resilient happy person without games and ploys. But I know I will have to resume these comforting, safety-net habits some time soon, if only because I’ll need them for the next time I feel fragile and overwhelmed.

***

My sister wasn’t with us at New Year’s, but we talked on the phone at midnight and she told me that she loves me and misses me. It was mushier than we usually are to each other, and the next morning she told me she meant it.

***

2007 was officially the best year of husbanding ever in all of history, as accomplished by my man D. He is going to have a tough time outdoing himself in 2008, in terms of preciousness, generosity, tenderness, cuteness, caretaking, funniness, handsomeness, and all around cozy comfortness. He is the #1 All World Husband!

March will mark our 10-year wedding anniversary! I can honestly say that in 2007 we were the happiest, closest, and most connected that we’ve ever been. I’m going to work to make 2008 even more gorgeously heartening for us EVERY DAY.

***

After years of people telling us that we just had to see the movie “Best In Show” (because we don’t like pets/animals), we finally saw it and I DON’T KNOW WHAT TOOK US SO LONG! Hysterical. Now I want to see all of Christopher Guest’s movies. Ridiculous.

***

I am really looking forward to 2008 because we have a lot of potential travel plans: Chicago, Napa, Austin, Vegas (of course), and an urban wedding escape downtown in October. I’ve never been to Chicago, Napa, or Austin so that is the most exciting. I love to check out new places, and my worker-bee husband can’t get away from the office too much, so the fact that so many excursions are even on the radar is very exciting to me!

***

Feeling good about 2008… if for no other reason than it feels good to feel good about something in the future! Cheers!

♥B

I haven’t wanted to be away from my blog, I promise!

First, I went to Vegas last weekend with my little sister. I was nervous about traveling with her (just the two of us) because we are both very sensitive and, more than anything, we are both practiced at pushing each other’s multitude of emotional buttons. But the trip went very smoothly and happily. She saw her favorite band on Sunday night, and I went to a Cirque du Soliel (Mystere at the TI, if you are familiar with the shows).

Even though I go to Vegas 4-5 times per year, I’d never been to a show. It’s just not our thing. We prefer to drink, gamble, and eat like royalty. But I enjoyed my time at Mystere. I’d spent the week petrified and nightmarish (literally) because I read online that if you are late to the show, a clown humiliates you in front of the whole audience. So needless to say, I did NOT let myself be late. The clown dumped popcorn on people’s heads and traipsed them around the theater on a merry chase for their seats. All with a spotlight on you and the audience laughing. So glad I flew under his radar. Oh, and the clown looked exactly like Grampa Munster, tuxedo and all.

The show itself was mind-boggling, of course. I found myself sitting there thinking, “And I can’t even make myself do a dozen sit-ups each day!” It’s amazing that those people were given the same human body that I have, and yet the bodies are being used for completely opposite purposes. I use my body mainly for sleeping, eating, hugging and kissing my husband, watching Oprah, putting on cute clothes, decorating my face in Chanel makeup, and having pretty hair. And they can climb vertical poles effortlessly, and flip through the air without barfing. Quite a disparity.

The second reason I have been blog-absent is that my laptop crashed. I am currently in complete denial about the possibility that I may have lost all of my photos and music since February (the last time I backed up). I could have sworn I backed up a couple months ago, but apparently time literally flies and now I am pinning my data hopes on my more-than-competent husband finding a solution for me. I think that the hard drive is OK, it’s just that the laptop itself won’t boot up.

My husband is so sweet in the way that he is desperate to put a smile on my face and an end to my worrying. He works so hard for me. I worship him.

So, I got a new laptop yesterday and now we are just waiting for a cord to arrive from Amazon (I like to call it The Magical Cord of Hope) so that we can possibly access my hard drive.

Wish me luck! Oh, and BACK UP YOUR PHOTOS!

♥B

So I recently found out that my sister has a secret blog. She already writes a really funny blog that everyone knows about it. But she gave her secret away when I asked what she’s been doing lately and she replied, “Updating my blogs. I mean, my blog.”

LOL. Oops for her.

And then she admitted that she has started a second blog in order to practice some creative writing that she has in mind.

Now, the sister in me is pissed and wants to give her a hard time for keeping something from me. And I’ve already spent about an hour typing random guesses into Google because I am determined to sneak up on her and find her private blog. And I will continue to hunt it down. She’s bound to mess up some time, now that I know about its existence.

(One of the main things about me is that I am nosy.)

But considering the fact that I’ve had this blog for over 2 years and nobody in my real life knows I have it (except my husband, of course), I guess it would be furtively hypocritical if I gave her too hard a time about it.

So I told her that I could understand wanting to write for an audience that doesn’t know you in real life. And she said, “Yeah, exactly.”

And it gave me a selfish comfort that not even her boyfriend knows the URL. As long as I’m not being excluded from the “in-the-know” crowd, that’s fine with me. I mean, if I were to tell anyone in my real life about this blog, it would probably be her.

But really… there’s no way in shit I’m telling anyone in my life about this blog. It’s my own little cozy corner and I’d surely pack up and close down if a friend or family member came across it.

♥PuzzleB

I would like to proclaim to the world, once and for all, that vibrating razors do NOT work!

I have done the testing, people. When I push the little vibrate buttons, I get a choppy, spiky, uneven shave. When I use it the old-fashioned way, it’s nothing but smooth, bald goodness!

I’m convinced that the razor industry is constantly trying to create something new that we just “have to have” because the profit margin is so high with those little plastic things that it’s worth it for them to totally dupe us.

Don’t press the button!

Earlier this year, I saw someone on Oprah explaining the 5 aspects of Harmonic Wealth that contribute to a truly wealthy life. So in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I’m going to reflect on each area of my life and see what I’m grateful for and how things are going, all with an eye for omitting complaints.

• Financial - I appreciate how hard my husband works for me and for us. He’s not chasing money; he’s pursuing his vision. And he provides me with a very comfortable and contented life. I can shop a lot, but not with reckless abandon. Sometimes I’m even grateful for the restriction of not being able to spend $1,000 in one shopping spree because it forces me to make choices. I’m thankful that my husband had the guts and the strength to leave his secure management job and to forge a life of risk, reward, and togetherness in the business we are building together. I’m also really proud of the fact that we are going to meet our sales goal for 2007. It was ambitious, but we worked hard and we should make the mark! Overall, I’m extremely grateful that I don’t have to worry about money in life and that I have a partner by my side who works hard to make all my dreams come true.
• Relational - If you’ve read this blog for even one week, you know that I am infinitely happy with my marriage. I appreciate the romantic, silly freshness that we work to cultivate between us, even after nearly 16 years together. As for other relations… I feel like I am still in a tender place with my relationship with my sister after what transpired between us in Hawaii earlier this year. But I think we are working towards being more resilient and caring with each other than ever before. I’m excited for that. 2007 has been a very good year for me with my friendships. I have a group of 5 girlfriends (we’ve all known each other since high school) and for the last two years, we have made it a point to get together for dinners once per month. This year, we’ve all felt closer than ever and so lucky to have each other. That is one of the things I appreciate most in my life this year. And I am thankful that I have been asked to participate in two of my friends’ weddings next year, and that I have pruned away a couple of unsatisfying, past-their-prime friendships that had been lingering. I feel like a lean, mean friend-being machine!
• Intellectual - I have to say that this year I have felt the most intellectually engaged of any time in my life. It is mostly all a solitary pursuit, as I read blogs, listen to podcasts, read classic books, devour complex magazine articles, and read a large portion of the NY Times every day. I appreciate having the time and mental attention to devote to cultivating my perspective on the world and learning about the multitude of things that pique my curiosity. (Hey look! In writing that last sentence, I learned the correct spelling of that word “pique”!) I also learned to play the drums this year, my first time ever attempting a musical instrument. I am so grateful that I married a deviously smart man who I can always engage in an intellectual discussion, and I’m particularly glad that it sometimes gets heated. I feel mentally strong, capable, and fluid… open-minded, morally clear, and oftentimes eloquent.
• Physical - Oh God. This is the weakest area for me to find things of gratitude. Rather than complaining, though, I’ll force myself to look at the positive since that’s really what this post is about. I’m grateful that my body is thin and youthful. I like my hair. I’m glad that I ovulate regularly every month, even though I have no fucking clue why I can’t get pregnant (oops, I had to sneak one complaint in there - sorry!). I’m beyond glad that my husband likes my body and seeks it out for comfort and pleasure. I’m glad I’m alive and that I don’t have some dread disease. I know that’s what is most important. And I also know I need to start exercising at some point.
• Spiritual - I appreciate my (hypno)therapist (who is really becoming more of a life coach, now that I think about it) and the meditation/visualization/positive thinking tools that she is teaching me. I need them. And I am proud of myself for committing to implementing them (almost) every day. I feel better on the days that I write in my journal. I need to recommit to that. This blog makes me happy and I appreciate the spiritual documentation it provides. Above all else, I’m so incredibly fulfilled on a deep, personal, soulful, heart-expanding level by my marriage. My husband’s loving fills me up and clears me out at the same time. I can’t explain how. I only know that, spiritually, we connect and engage and keep each other elevated. He is my spiritual oxygen mask.

♥PuzzleB